An Open Letter from Dan

Posted by Dan (AKA Fuck This Guy) on Jun 17, 2020 12:00:01 PM
Dan (AKA Fuck This Guy)

To all you sister-swillin’, cousin kissin’, backwoods blowjobbers who have the audacity to go out in public with a medical mask, BUT dangle said mask below your chin –


I will not mince my words. I will not be cautious or timid in how I speak to you, because clearly cautionary measures are lost on you and the family tree you fell from.

For starters – Fuck you.

Secondly – Fuck your first-born.

Thirdly – We’re in a global pandemic, which is a literal synonym to the word –

PLAGUE. Which if you’ve studied world history even once you’d know that plagues are historically the worst. Then again, if it kills off your mouth-breathing ass, there would be some upside.

Fourthly – Masks are not a right (Fact: The state of New York literally stole 3 million masks from the state of Massachusetts) but a privilege, a luxury in these facocked times.

So to be clear, this letter is not pointed to those not wearing a mask. You’re a whole other bag of crazy that I’m assuming either don’t have access to a proper mask, to proper information or are simply somewhat suicidal.

Whichever it may be – this letter isn’t explicitly for you.

This is pointed at those that have, but choose to throw caution to the wind; those that blatantly flaunt and abuse their privilege in the faces of others; those that on some intellectual level understand the severity of the situation, but still waddle about with your mouths agape swallowing up oxygen that your brain clearly isn’t putting to proper use.

I don’t care that if it gets in the way of your American Spirits – WEAR YOUR MASK.

This whole situation isn’t about you. This pandemic isn’t explicitly affecting you, but the world at large. By going out in public with a mask, but denying it the right to do its job it was designed to do, you’re saying that in your warped mind, you truly feel you are more important than everyone else.

You’re not only metaphorically (and sometimes literally) spitting in the faces of others, but also holding us all back from being rid of this disease once and for all.

You know better. Having the mask on your person says you know better, but not using it

properly just says you’re an idiot and should be treated as such. If we could throw you in the stockades and put you on display for public ridicule we would, but we live in softer times and communal displays of shaming are frowned upon.

What we can do though is yell at you – on the street – in the middle of the day –

which I will be doing from this day forward. If I see you danglin’ your mask like a moron out in public, I will yell at you to put your mask on and I will continue to yell until you do.

If you’re reading this and you too have been doing your civic duty in wearing a mask, I ask you now to join me in this campaign. Let’s make 2020 the year we shame moronic behavior. Let’s not tweet and rant about it online – let’s start a movement.


So, if you’ve been a part of the problem thus far – you realize that years of participation trophies have softened your mind and skin – next time you leave your apartment to explore the outside world, when the door is about to hit you in the ass – Remember that not all heroes wear capes, but they do wear their masks.

Your friendly neighbor,


Topics: Covid-19, Masks